salvaging the previous post

yesterday was a weird day for me. i wasn't in a good or bad mood. i was just... here. kind of existing. moving along with everyone else. it was one of those days where i just felt invisible. you know that scene in Princess Diaries[don't judge me... it's a good movie] where she gets sat on because people just don't see her? that's how i feel. i don't feel that way everyday, but yesterday was just one of those days.

i am in a weird place in my life right now. i'm going through like an internal battle of wills between who i am, or what i'm suppose to be. it's one of the most frustrating things ever too. i'm like trying to figure out this person i've become... i don't even recognize the person in the mirror. my personality is different. my words are different. my actions are different. i'm different... and i'm just not sure i like this person i've become. maybe i'm not figuring out who i am... maybe i've just pushed who i am back for so long that this is all that's left. i kind of feel like i'm sitting here empty handed. there's this image in my head of me just on my knees, head down, wtih empty hands at my side. just there. just me. nothing else to offer. maybe this is God's way of breaking me, of making me trust Him. because let's face it... i don't trust easily, and even when i do trust... i don't trust fully.

this make-up thing... it's not working for me. everytime i put it on i feel like i'm hiding something. the bad thing is i'm only doing the most simple things that most don't even notice, but i hate it. i've always felt like i was hiding something when i put make-up on. even when i was in high school. i wouldn't mind not wearing make-up except that it's not just that... i seriously don't know how. i practiced for two days before i would even go out with mascara, eyeliner, and lip gloss stuff on. it's kind of ridiculous... and embarrassing.

sometimes... most of the time... when i get a new friendship going on i get awkward kind of in the middle of it. i'm intimidated by most of my friends anyway. but especially with new people i get to a point where i'm like watching everything i say or do because i'm afraid one false move will make them not like me anymore. how fifth grade is that? it doesn't help that all my friends are beautiful, and outgoing or talented. i just feel so plain, and "normal" [of course... what is normal?] next to them... like i'm just allowed to tag along to make them look better. ironically i'm not the only one who feels this way. trust me... i've had the conversation with people who feel the same, and i have no idea why because they are some of the coolest people i know. this all balls into me feeling completely out of place... i love my friends. sreiously... i do. i just don't have a group. i see these people that have their "bff", or whatever you want to call it [i'm sorry i just said "bff"]. i just feel like i'm on the outside looking in. you know... i had that group. i was the kid in high school who was friends with everyone, but still had those few friends that were just the shiz. they were my everything. we could talk about anything. and i don't have it anymore [even though i'm still friends with those people], and i miss it so stinkin' much. i've found the "let's talk about everything" friends... it's so fun too. but in my mind they're taken by someone else. someone they've known longer... sometimes i feel like high school never ends.

i'm kind of in panic mode about my future... and i have a semester left of school. it's just that i don't want a mediocre life. and i don't want to live in arkansas. i love my friends here, but i don't want to be here. i need new playgrounds.

this relationship with my dad... it is a freaking roller coaster. i feel like i take three steps forward, and two steps back. this is not easy for me... i mean sometimes it is, but sometimes it's not. he says how proud he is of me... and i can't help but think how much he doesn't know about me. it killed me the other day when i said how much i loved sports, but don't have time to play or anyone to play with. and that my favorite was softball. that i'd played it for 12 years one way or another. and he asked what position i played. all i could think was that bill knew... my step-dad was there. watching games. helping me practice. it wasn't easy for me. it sounds petty, but it's those little things that he's missed that's cost both of us a million memories. none of my friends understand, and i don't expect them too. it's just a situation that is going to take a while to work through. you can't fix 11 years of absence in 2 years. i can't imagine how long this is going to take... oh man...

i'm ready for may term. because no one will give me a job/work study for 3 weeks [even if i come back in the fall] i get to play in the afternoon unless a job turns up. i need play time though cause once i take the may term final it's off to kamp in a very fast school to kamp turnover.

i need fun megan back. now. this kind of me... i'm not a fan of.

and just a side note: all soy milk is not the same. Silk is gross. Dairy Ease [that name makes me laugh] is good. it tastes, and looks like normal milk... which is key.

this is all [okay i know it was a lot] that i have. i should sleep. cause starting tomorrow i'm about to switch my sleep schedule around a little so i can sleep during the day, and work at night. it's probably stupid, but i work well at night... sometimes. or better yet... i could just lock myself up in the library where there are virtually NO distractions. i get lots done in the library...