good-byes suck

when i was younger [and i use that term loosely seeing as how i'm only 22], i always had a really really hard time with people leaving. the first time i had someone i was really close to leave was when i was in 9th grade. i remember when i first found out that my small group leader was moving that i cried for so hard, and so long i literally made myself sick with a fever. to me, at 14/15 years old, that was one of the most devestating things that could happen. it was not easy for me. it wasn't easy when the second one left after my junior year either. in fact, much to my dismay, it's never gotten any easier to say good-bye to someone. i always thought the older, more mature i got, the more i would understand so therefore less tears, and being all bent out of shape over a change. i. was. wrong. i mean, i'm not immature about it, and don't freak out while acting completely irrationally because as i've gotten older i HAVE realized that's not helping anyone. still it breaks my heart to say bye. it literally makes my heart hurt.

all that to say this... i've noticed a pattern that i'm always really excited/anxious to get to the end of the semester. for it just to be over with. i just get so sick of school, and now i have the added excitement of getting ready to see all my friends from Kanakuk i haven't seen since last august [or longer]. then, i promptly get knocked back on my fanny because i realize "wait a second, i don't want to say bye to these friends. i don't have a problem with "byes" if i'm going to see them again without a doubt. it's the one's that move onto the big things. i've developed this horrible "habit" of making friends with people the year they are suppose to graduate... and not just a "oh yeah we're 'friends'. we see each other in class" type thing. i'm talking a real friendship. i don't have to give a definition. anyways... it sucks. it makes me sad in a big way... like i can just think about it, and it sends me into this tailspin of emotions. i am NOT a fan. and it doesn't help that i take all friendships seriously, and love my friend fiercely.

that's all i have for now. not to mention the insane amount of work i should be doing. yet... i would rather write. ironically that's suppose to be what i'm doing anyway... just not in this form. :)