where i am

i just don't know what to do with me. I'm in this weird place, and don't know why i'm here, how i got here, or what i'm suppose to do. i have an attitude problem to be reckoned with, and thankfully, so far, have kept it in check with most people. has it really been 5 weeks since all hell broke loose with my precious Kanakuk? 5 weeks? because it's felt like an eternity. nothing of relevance is being said online apart from the "joe white knew and let it continue" or the "pete newman prays and preys over your children". it makes me so sad. yet i realize the world is continuing on. but i'm just here. chilling. watching it move in fast forward. i put on my happy face when i must [which is 99% of the time], and just hang out there.

rarely do i get a chance to just be by myself out somewhere, and think. i would give anything to go driving and find some beautiful hilltop that overlooks just trees, and God's beauty. i want to feel alive. and i feel most alive when my life isn't running away with me, and when fall/winter [finter] is here. when life goes away i feel God's presence most. not like human life, but when the leaves fall, and the air feels clean and i can see my breathe, i feel life. and it is glorious. right now i am simply surviving. and it doesn't even have to do with the pete thing completely. my conscience seems to be running amuck with my actions. seriously... morals... lacking. i'm complacent. i HATE being complacent. complacency in my life is dangerous territory. i quit feeling, and just do. i shut off all senses and just do whatever i please. it's no good.

i wish i could just sleep this all away.