waiting for joy

somewhere.
somehow.
i lost myself.

not just a little stumble.
not something i can just right myself up from.
not something i can just say "oh i shouldn't have done that", and be finished with it.

i'm in deep.
too far.
and there is no one i can turn to that can help me out.

the ones that know. that i want to help...
too busy.
the ones that don't know...
they'll never know.

i pray one day. someday. some glorious day when i'm completely free.
found again.
i can proudly reveal my past in complete adoration at God's deliverance.
i dream about. literally have dreams at night while i sleep about being set free.
sweet freedom.

sometimes i look back and wonder how i got here.
what triggered it exactly.
i know several things that didn't help. for sure.

i miss back then. back when i had K-Life. when those i trusted most were a short drive away. a phone call away. that's all gone, and i don't know where to find it anymore.

i need direction.
i need to listen.
i need to be set back on the path i prided myself in.
i feel lost. i feel LOSS.

i'm waiting for joy.
not fake, hypocritical joy.
overflowing joy. joy that comes from this Relationship i know i can't lose. the One i have a strong foundation in. assurance in.
is it just me or is it hard to understand why God keeps searching for you when you've pushed and shoved yourself away.

sweet Jesus.
You've seen me at my worst. my absolute worst. you've seen me at my best, but not my absolute best.
bring me out of this dirt and clay. make me new. make my heart one that is solely focused on You.
that is my prayer. it's my need.