back to the place i began

i'm sitting here trying to figure out where i went wrong... how i got to this place. how do i get myself out? i've been going strong. feeling good about progress. then everything started crumbling when my "friendship" with mara began to take bad turn. actually i think the crumbling started when i felt like i was called to do something else other than KI. the past 2 1/2 years, even in the off season, i have ate, slept, and breathed Kanakuk. it was all i cared about, thought about, and wanted. then it got jerked out from under me. i'm back into this "don't care" attitude of doing what i know is wrong even if i really don't do it. i keep clawing my way back out only to be jerked backwards. i feel like i'm in that blowup game where you're strapped in a vest with a bungee cord attached to it, and you run as hard as you can to stick the ball to the velcro. no matter how far you get you ALWAYS get snapped backwards. the bungee is to strong. even if you try and go backwards gradually as to not lose control it doesn't work. you get forced backward, and then it's hard to get back up cause you're disoriented, and you have a vest and bungee up around your head so it's hard to gain your footing. that's how i feel my walk with Christ is. and i SO desire to be near Him. i want to have a family of believers that i can grow with, and there seems to be none in sight. my heart so aches for kamp. for the one's who keep my accountable yet love me through my short comings and failures. maybe it wasn't God who turned my heart in another direction. maybe it was my stubborn will, and uncertainty with change. maybe it was my stupid fear of the unknown. of being real with people. honest. i just can't understand why i would chose to distance myself from those who have again and again shown there love for me despite of what they know, but the people who know nothing and love me i run to. because i feel complete with those who know the things i keep secret. i feel free. and with the ones who know nothing i feel so trapped, by my inability to tell them.

Lord move, or move me.