jumbledness = my thought process

i've been attempting to write this for about 2 days now. but i can't pick apart all my thoughts, and process them into something that anyone would understand but myself. i HATE when my head is so full of just... things... and i can't get them out. so this is probably going to be sporadic...

my mom and i are continuing to fight more and more. especially during this past week because i felt like she was saying selfish things (having to do about her friends husband dying). they were only said to me... but it was so selfish on her part, and i don't even think she got it. the fighting won't end with the past week, and it didn't start with this week. the fighting will continue as long as she's with gary, and as long as she continues to push me about stuff having to do with my real dad. i have enough pressure as it is with school, and trying to bring my GPA up enough to even GET a diploma.

i continue to think about nikki... i keep having dreams. no matter how random (last night there was a bar involved. we were with my crazy friends, and me and nikki were the ONLY ones who drank. we ordered rum on the rocks, and they gave us something clear like vodka that tasted like lemonade.) i'm blaming that crazy dream (those are even half the crazy details) on the fact that i was REAL sickish last night. i miss my friend. no matter how much i fight it, and how long it's been... i still miss her.

this week has been a whirlwind. i'm still in shock that my friends father died. the thing is... it made me realize how we aren't guaranteed anything. it sounds dumb... but it made me want to change a lot of things. and work harder on the things that i've been trying to work on for awhile.

more and more i'm desperate for companionship. both friendship, and a boy. i just feel lonely. i'd rather have a good friendship right now more than anything. those are famliar and i know how to work those. i just feel so lonely and overlooked lately by everyone. i feel like an option to most people... even my mom. that's not a good feeling on any level. i'd rather be an option to my mom than a friend though. i need to NOT be an option. i need to not be forgotten when planning things, and i need for people to understand that i won't invite myself places. i am not extroverted in any form or fashion in that area. i will sit in my room like a loser before knowingly inviting myself somewhere. sometimes i hate the fact that i fight so hard for a friendship, when the other person doesn't fight back. i don't know if that makes sense. man oh man do i need some divine intervention.

i feel like i'm constantly searching for who i am. it's a 3 steps forward 1 step back type of deal. it's hard for me to pray about stuff (i think prayer, though it should be practiced, is a spiritual gift), and it is not my gift. even when i do pray, i feel like God is silent. that silence causes the intense questioning in my head and my heart that took over my life for about a month last semester. that month almost left me crumpled in an unresponsive heap. i didn't like who i was that week, but i feel it coming back somedays. those days are hard, and make me want to quit everything. especially school.

it's time for a change, and i must wait for that change until december of next year. i'm realizing more and more that i like a change of scenery every couple of years. i miss those i'm closest with... or think i'm closest with (the whole being an option is a problem here). i need road trips, friends that i can just hang out with and do absolutely nothing but sit there and be silly or serious. my love languages are a funny thing... the way i show love isn't the way i necessarilly want it shown to me. the way i show the way i care: gifts (even random ones), quality time, and kind of a toss up between physical touch/words of affirmation. the way i need it shown: quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. i feel deprived of all three. sometimes a girl just needs a good hug. i got those three things at kamp. i need a bunch of kamp people to just be my entourage a few hours a day, and i would be set for life.

i should probably finish my homework. i decided i needed to get down and dirty with my homework the other day, and jump on the serious studying train. it has NOT picked me up yet... or i might keep trading my ticket. it's probably the ticket part :)