not a multi-blogger

i clearly am not capable at keeping up with more than one blog. xanga is the one i keep up with most, then myspace, and then this. you would think i would just copy and paste what goes on xanga to here. that WOULD be most logical. i'll work on that...

my mom got married this past saturday. he is not my favorite person. i go back and forth with liking him. it changes almost as fast as the weather in arkansas.

i posted this the other day...
"and if the Son has set us free than we must be free indeed. let the chains fall away starting today. everything has changed. i'm finally free"- Nichole Nordeman "Finally Free" oh she speaks to my soul

i watched two of my friends sing tonight. they were amazing. i watched them be free in what they know. i sat there being so excited to listen to them [because they're great], but i felt such an ache in my heart. i don't feel freedom in who i am in Christ. that title "no choice is wrong enough"... i wish i lived that way. i wish i didn't let my past poor decisions bind me to decisions i make now. i am drowning. chained. i want it, but i'm scared... and i don't know of what. i'm sick of living this double life... triple life.

i am one person at school, one at home, and one at kamp. i want to be kamp megan. outgoing. [semi] confident. affectionate. striving for the relationship i SO desire with Christ. at kamp... i'm happy. i'm almost everything i want to be when i'm at kamp. i don't know what it is that holds me back. i beg God for a feeling. any feeling. because what i really want is to feel something, and when God "doesn't answer my prayers"... i get sick of waiting. so i make myself feel anything. i settle. settle for something i know is fleeting. the thing is...

i'm scared. i'm scared about not meaning something to someone. i'm scared that none of the relationships i have with anyone [friends, family, etc.] won't last. i'm scared of this relationship i've been building with my dad. i'm afraid of those words i said to him the other night when we told each other bye. i love you, too. i'm scared that i've been replaced by this douchebag of a guy that my mom married saturday. i'm scared of the decisions i make now, and what they mean when i graduate next december. i'm scared i won't graduate. i'm terrified of failure. of disappointing my mom. i'm scared no one will love me the way i love them. i won't so bad to be what my mom isn't. i'm so scared that my relationships will be like hers, and that consequently scares me away from any relationship. i'm scared that i won't do something big in my life... that i won't help people. i want so much to help people. i want to be that person that makes a difference.

but it all comes back to my choices. i let those past choices ruin my present... my future. like chains they bind me. i allow Satan to tell me those things i decided to do, or not do, make me not good enough. that i laughed at one too many inappropriate jokes, had one too many drinks, judged too many people too quickly. you name it.

i have the a great job oppurtunity that was kind of placed in my lap. children's minister. minister. when it became available a year or two ago someone told me i should take it, but i was at school. it's still open. i would love it. but that voice... that irritating, dibilitating voice. it tells me i can't. i'm not good enough. not Godly enough. i hate that voice.

Let Me Fall- Idina Menzel "I Stand" [i'm obsessed with this cd right now]

It's October again
Leaves are falling down like rain
One more year's come and gone
But nothing's changed
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who could face the things that I've been running from?

Let me feel
I don't care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
If I cry a little
And die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little
Let me feel
Let me fall

I become much too good at being invincible
I'm an expert at 'play it safe' and 'keep it cool'
But I swear this is not who I'm meant to be
I refuse to let my life fall over me

Yes, I'm gonna be someone
If I take it as it comes
If I face the things that I've been running from
I've been running from

that's not the whole song... but most of it. i just want to feel

i wrote this yesterday...
today.

it was a rollercoaster day. emotions were down, then up, then another abrupt dip down. i'm anxious for the end... the moment i'm asleep for a few carefree hours of peace.

it was a day of being worried for a friend. frustrated over a diagnosis for the most important man in my life [my grandpa]. pushing aside pride, and taking a step forward in a direction that i have not wanted to head, yet knew i needed to.

some of these decisions i'm about to or have made lately... they are uncomfortable. scary. some a little exciting. and did i mention uncomfortable. but "it's a big girl world now. full of big girl things". and i have got to put my brave face on.

this afternoon after meeting someone new... i felt a little nervous. a little unsure. but with all that, i felt like i had taken a step or two forward. steps towards something i've wanted, but was blind as to how to get there.

i talk to my mom today about this afternoon. i got shot down. again.

today was a rollercoaster day.

today is just Valentine's Day. i really dislike this day.

i'm not feelings real bloggy today