direction

it's something that has recently plagued my thoughts a lot. the more Christian studies courses i take for my major, and the closer it brings me to graduation... the more i realize i have no idea what i want to do with my life. my independent self, not wanting to depend on anyone else's opinion, tries to figure it out. however, i soon realize that there are a lot of things i want to do with my life. my ambitious self (which is rare these past few years) says "you can do all of it. you're 21! don't listen to what other's say, and go for it!" then there's my cynical self... it says "there's no way you can achieve all those goals, and if you can't achieve them all you shouldn't even try. you can't even get decent grades at school, and are going to be lucky to graduate. just settle." my cynical side is mean... realy mean. my ambitious side is naive... or... something. i realize it's virtually impossible to achieve all life goals that one set's for themselves. however, what's the problem with trying?? it doesn't necessarily bother me to try and fail as long as i know i worked my tail off.
here's a few things i would LIKE to do with my life.

- open up a crisis/therapy center for at risk teens, and use animals to help with therapy. it sounds cheesy, but it works.

- go to the Kanakuk Institute

- work with Kanakuk or K-Life full time

- travel. i love road trips, and i've got a lot of friends in a lot of places

- getting married would be nice (dating has got to start first though. ugh.)

- having kids... i REALLY want to adopt (whether i'm married or not)

and the list goes on...

maybe i should let God take this one. except i'm doing my best not to let Him pry anything out of my hands. i keep a death grip on things because it's "safer". it's dumber, but it works for me. that is until i'm completely miserable from trying to do everything on my own. i need to learn my lesson the first time, instead of doing it over and over again. it's those stubborn, failing times that i am truly thankful for the forgiving, patient God that just tries to guide me in the right direction. granted sometimes it takes a swift quick in the butt, still... i don't get it most days... this grace thing. just another thing (along with where i want to go in life) i'm trying to figure out.