grey's quotes my life... a lot

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance." -Grey's Anatomy

yes i stole that from the first episode of Grey's this season. but it's solid.

i'm still having problems with this whole Kanakuk issue. it's the closer thing to a tragedy i've ever had in my life. seriously. i've never had anything really REALLY tragic happen. i've had grandparents die, i've had more than one dad leave me, but nothing anything that just knocked the breath out of me, and made me think i couldn't go on. this knocked the breath out of me. it kind of brought me to my knees. and i still don't want to talk about it, but i want people to understand that i need to just be quiet and sift through this. understand that it's going to take more than a couple of weeks for me to "get over it". this is not something i'm just going to "get over". this is big, and it affects my world, my KAMP, in a huge way. i'm, in a weird way, grieving. i've definitely hit the anger stage, and i'm kind of at a toss up between denial, depression, and bargaining. it's just weird. and it's made me terrified that a big tragedy is going to hit my life directly, instead of indirectly like it has done recently, just closer and closer. aren't i SUCH the optimist? trust me, i know.

i'm just tired of being sad, but i need to be sad. i need to just fall into myself, zone out, and not have to think about it, or listen to anyone else talk.