i didn't know...

it would hurt this much. out of no where i'm crying. crying because i won't be at Kamp this summer. just Kamp. not crying about not going to the Kanakuk Institute because i feel strong in that decision. but tears streaming down my face because i won't be going to my safe haven this summer. where family is. where faith is. where my hope is. all i was doing was looking at pictures on Facebook. at an album of someone who i'm not even Facebook friends with. yet they had tagged a picture of a director that i absolutely adore. the album title... Closing This Chapter. as i'm just scrolling... checking out pictures... i just get all choked up and tears start running. i don't want my Kanakuk chapter to close... it's not finished. i don't feel like it's finished. on hold? maybe. finished? impossible.

i want so bad to be at Kamp. and it's not a decision i can take back. i couldn't quit my job for the summer, and then come back in august. it wasn't fair to my job, my mom [who i rent from] or my about to be roommate. but it hurts. it hurts that i'm not going to be in a hot kitchen all summer serving those precious faces of kids. it hurts that i'm not going to be sharing a bathroom with 20 girls that will grow to be my family. it hurts that i won't get to run and tackle old friends in hugs that have been storing up since last august when we said goodbye. it just all hurts. i think i just realized how much i very much care for that place. i knew... but i didn't know the extent.

i didn't know it would be this hard...

my heart is hurting so much...