been awhile

kamp is over. i still don't think i have the words to say to express just what it did for me this year. my DHDL says she see me grow more and more every term i'm at kamp.

i think i'm feeling Him again. the desire to grow is there. the desire to be stronger is there.

yet i still falter.

i falter, and think i've completely ruined everything.

but not this time. falter... yes. ruined everything... i know better than that. i just have to keep fighting. i feel like i gave Him steering wheel to my life, and i had to try and jerk it out of His hands because i couldn't stand the lack of control. but these things... these things i think i'm controlling are not being controlled by me. and He is for sure not controlling them so if i'm not in control, and He definitely isn't then that leaves only one option. and the more i've considered that option and who is really in control of my life when i stray... well it scares me to death.

my life is finally falling into place where i've been wanting it to. i still struggle. i still fight. i still fail miserably. but there's a difference this time. i'm realizing my redemption in Christ. i'm starting to understand His grace. compassion. forgiveness. do i deserve it? no. do i accept what He gave His life for? more and more i do.

my last semester starts in 6 days. with all that's going on...

this should be interesting.