options and regrets

pressure keeps mounting for me to make a decision about what i'm doing after graduation. without a doubt i'll at least be working from January to mid-May in S-town. but here are my after May options... or just general options [some can start immediately]
- apply [already in process of] to go to the K-Institute which is a year program
- apply for the Children's minister job at my home church
- apply to the American Missions Board, and see where i end up.
- take a year or so off, then go BACK to school for a degree in counseling [of if the program is available at the K-Institute... doing the masters program there for counseling]

that list [though i'm not sure it's complete] stresses. me. OUT. there is a lot of pressure from my mom [and flyboy], not to mention the million and one people who can't seem to resist the "what are you doing after graduation question. i've learned to dread that question.

in the regrets area:

i've been thinking about how much i've screwed up... continue screwing up. it drives me crazy when i mess up in any area of my life. the personal screw ups though... the ones few know about... those are the ones that knock me down the hardest. i pray every prayer i can think of... begging God for relief. for just a little assistance. yet i feel like i get none. the only time i feel the nagging temptation is when i'm at home... the area i can't control anything [or feel the most out of control of what goes on around me]. therefore i turn to things i can control. i want to make it a thing of the past. i fight it every freaking day. i can't get rid of it. not yet... though not as strong a temptation as it once was. it's still there. i pray it won't always be.

why can i not be a screw up? why can i not be less hard on myself? i want to be content... happy... JOYFUL. it's hard. here. in this house with a man who isn't my father, and a mom who is too caught up in her love life to notice me. in a house where i have my own door shut on me, and get cussed/yelled at for turning ice dispenser in the fridge from cubed to crushed. i hate being here. i hate the way my life has turned out [whether from mine or other people's decisions]. i hate that i can't look at a girl and her father without feeling hurt and pain in my chest... without getting choked up. i hate that.

i miss the simplicity of just a few years ago. i miss my small group, and the amazing people who led us from awkward 12 year olds to seniors in high school. i miss the stability of my home in my old subdivision before my mom and [1st] step-dad divorced. i miss my dogs that i didn't get to keep in that divorce. i miss K-Life. i miss my friends. i miss that stupid, crazy cat i didn't get to keep when my mom got remarried in February. i miss the confidence i had in high school, and the outgoingness [i know that's not a word]. i miss everything.

late night posts. always a bad idea.