dust off

i think i figured it out... actually i know i have. and i didn't just figure it out. i've known for a long time...

i have GOT to stop getting knocked down, and staying knocked down. it's one thing to trip, stumble, fall, etc. it's a whole other ball game to stay on the ground feeling sorry for yourself. i've never been one to get knocked down [physically] and stay down. i always get up, dust off, and keep on doing what i was doing. it's never mattered if it hurt, if i was bruised, or bleeding. i kept going. i'm still that way. it's like that song by Aaliyah [R.I.P.]: Try Again-If at first you don't succeed. Then dust yourself off and try again. You can dust if off and try again

why can't i be like that in my spiritual life. when i get knocked down [whether by someone, or by an action of my own doing] i seem to just lay there like "well... i've tried for the millionth time. why do i even bother?" i bother because i care. i care about my relationship with Christ. i see mediocre relationships between people and the God they love. i don't want that. i can't be that. i want to be passionate about the One Father i've been able to depend on my whole life.

for so long i've felt like i needed to get my life straightened out before i could serve Him completely. i've loved Him for a long time, and wanted to serve Him for a long time. but i've always felt like i had to be completely "sin free", and get my crap in check before i could serve Him properly. it's a complete load of crap to think that way though. He doesn't call us to be perfect. He just calls us to follow Him. i don't think that gives me a right to go do whatever i please... in fact when i do go "do whatever i please" i typically knock myself down and hang out there cause i feel like a failure.

i just have to start remembering that the closer i get to God the more Satan will try to attack me. i have to never forget that Christ's 12 disciples weren't perfect. Christ loves the misfits, and the screw ups, and the invisible.

He loves me. as i am. always.

i just have to keep pushing on. never stop striving for the relationship i long for so much. and to pick myself up and try again whenever i feel like i've been knocked down.