this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. no one from school has an account like this. atleast not anyone i'm friends with. which makes the perfect spot to write... aside from my journal and a nice RSVP pen. :) sometimes... okay all the time... it's just faster to type. so here's the first one...

so...
i always start these things out with that "so..." i don't know why. i guess to stall the outflowing of jumbled thoughts racing through my mind. so... i guess here it is

about a week and a half ago i got an email asking me to attend a meeting tonight about being a leader for a Bible study for campus ministries. about 20 of us were asked. which is an honor i guess you could say seeing as how in my mind there are a ton of other girls on this campus that are way more spiritually sound than me. when we got the stacy told us that they picked our names out in april and started praying for us. that for one blew my mind because unknown to most is what i dealt with in april. the doubting, questioning, rebeling... all of it. i think about 8 people know about that. most of those have graduated or are directors at kanakuk. anyways, it just blew my mind. then came all the firing of thoughts in my head. i was completely distracted from a lot of what anyone was saying because i was asking myself "am i good enough for this?", "i can't even be steady in my walk. how am i going to mentor someone else?", "is this what God wants me to do?", "am i ready for this responsibility when i'm still getting a lot of crazy things in my life straightened out?". and then i was just thinking "who the heck am i to question any of this?" i mean God led them to the names that were in that room. right? they have prayed over this for 4+ months! i also realized i can't seem to escape the fact that i want to completely fix myself before doing anything in a leadership role. when really... why can't i grow WITH the people i'm helping lead?
it was kind of a slap in the face in the middle of me coming in and out of what they were saying and what was shooting through my thoughts when i remembered a conversation at 7 a.m. the day before kamp closed down for the season... august 11th if you will. a humiliating, tearful conversation i had with the woman i look up to the most. who knows me better than i know myself, whats going on before i even say anything, and knows what to say and how to say it to get through to me, and not hurt my feelings. she loves me when i don't want to be love or feel like i don't deserve it... my old small group leader Reno. at the end of that conversation she asked if there was anything i could get involved with on campus. i told her i did Tiger Tunes, but that was basically it. i felt like i just couldn't find a place on campus. i just kind of flit around from group to group. than BAM here i am with this.
how is it possible that i have been on this campus for now my 4th semester, and i STILL feel like i struggle so hard to find a group to weasle myself into? i either feel like they aren't good for growth, or the group(s) i would love to be with... i feel like i'm being obnoxious. when i think about it i feel like such an idiot... but that's my heart. i've just gotten to be so dang awkward.

the other day i was reading my Bible (which is so hard for me to do with all the other reading forced upon me). however, i was so completely blessed, and blown away by what i read. for some reason i chose jeremiah. there was no rhyme or reason to it. i just turned there and chose jeremiah 3. this is what i read... and i'm going to bold the things that struck hard on me.

10 "Yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah did not return to me with her whole heart, but in pretense, declares the LORD." 11 And the LORD said to me, "Faithless Israel has shown herself more righteous than treacherous Judah. 12 Go, and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, 'Return, faithless Israel declares the LORD. I will not look on you in anger for I am merciful, declares the LORD; I will not be angry forever. 13 Only acknowledge your guilt, that you rebelled against the LORD your God and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree, and that you have not obeyed my voice, declares the LORD. 14 Return, O faithless children, declares the LORD; for I am your master; I will take you, one from a city and two from a family, and I will bring you to Zion. 15 "And I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding."

then verse 27 goes on to say "I will heal your faithlessness." that last verse (15) sent me for a spin. how often i question my Father's faithfullness when He has so apparently blessed me with some of the best "shepherds" anyone has asked for. He has blessed me when i don't deserve anything but angry words. so many times... who am i kidding... all the time i struggle with God's grace that He so freely gives to me. i realized something this summer... God showed me His grace through Callie and Reno. when i was beating myself up for stupid mistakes that i kept repeating, they told me to stop beating myself up. they told me they loved me, and were PROUD of me when i felt like dirt. God is amazing, and i'm slowly grasping what i've always known. i'm so glad to have a patient God who understands my hurts, and why i am the way i am. when it's hard for me to trust Him, yet i trust Reens and Cal... He shows me that i can trust Him by showing me Himself through them. does that mean God is okay with babysteps in growing your faith? if any of this makes any sense at all...

i feel like i'm just now getting to where i'm taking the steps to grow my faith... to own my faith. i'm a little embarassed about that fact... but better late then never i guess. i just have to not stay down when i stumble.... stop beating myself up for the past and for slip ups.

in His unchanging grace
m