"but tonight my heart is heavy"

it's been a rough week.

i move into a house next week. my own house. so as soon as i graduate i go straight home. back to where i grew up. i'm excited, but it all happened so fast. it's a little stressful.

my dad... and kind of my mom... is stressing me out. they are across the nation from each other, but still manage to both stress me out. my dad... i still can't trust him. he isn't honest with me about most things, and i can't be okay with that. i still forgive him for the past, but every day i fight the urge to let go of everything i worked so hard for the past three years. this reconciliation has not been easy for me. he would never know it, but it is. partly because i know what i'm letting go of to allow it, and partly because it's put a major strain on mine and my mom's relationship. and even though i really am choosing to forgive him rather than dwell on things... sometimes the past still creeps in and eats at me. it fills my heart with some many questions. questions that even when asked, he refuses to answer. i'm reading a book called "A Dad Shaped Hole in my Heart". it's actually pretty cool. i found it this summer during time off from kamp. it was only like 3 bucks. the situation just comes down for this... a) i need my dad to stop trying to buy me the world, and stuff that i'm not even going to use in a few years, but provide for me financially and emotionally like he always promises. it bothers me more than anyone knows. especially when he tells me he's been offered jobs nearer, if not in, Arkansas, and chooses to stay in California.
b) i need my mom to support me trying to build and keep a relationship with my dad regardless of when i get frustrated with him.

the thing that's killed me the most this week is one of my close friends might have breast cancer. she's a little younger than me. and i've done what i can to help her find a way to pay for bills that she can't even begin to try and afford. it's just breaking my heart because i feel like the girl just can't get a break. for the past few years it's seriously been like she's just taken one blow after the other.

even with all of this, God is still on the throne. He is still in control. and the more that i say that, the more i'm believing it.