just stop

i'm at such a weird point in my life.

all [okay most] of my friends are either getting married, married, having babies, and doing something they love.

i'm none of the above.

i thought i knew what i wanted to do with my life up until about 3 weeks before i graduated, and then it all came to a screaming halt. i keep throwing around ideas in my head, but i'm not sure where or how to start. part of me had never felt so in the will of God. i just felt good about life. i wasn't prepared for the attack by Satan. attacking at my weak point during a weak time a few weeks ago. pushing the limits until i caved...

the thing is... when i caved... when i went tripping and stumbling back towards something i thought i had gotten past... i stayed in a heap on the ground. i didn't get up, dust off, and keep going. i not only gave into temptation... i gave into defeat. i'm a fighter, and i put my hands at my side and just... stopped.

i feel like i'm hurtling back towards a place of questioning God in a way i don't want to. i find myself begging Him to just stop loving me. that it would make it easier if He didn't. easier to do what i know i shouldn't. but He doesn't stop which is comforting and so achingly, devastating to me at the same time. i know i'm not worthy. and it still is so so hard for me to grasp that... cause i'm so unlovable.

sometimes i feel like so many hidden factors of how i am who i am, or why i've become the way i am, come speeding towards to forefront of my mind. unfortunately that typically comes in the form of my father... or lack of until recently... i guess. the fact of the matter is that my dad is the cause a lot of things good [but mainly bad] that i deal with. his lack of responsibility and being around has caused me to have more realist views of relationships [which can be a good and bad thing], but those bad things he has brought to my life go on, and on, and on... it also includes relationships, and commitment, the hate of basically any form of physical touch, and the ridiculously intense jealousy of other daughters who have their fathers around. father's who are involved in every aspect. i got robbed of that, and i've started to realize how mad i am about that. it's bad enough that my church held a daddy/daughter dinner. it was technically for kids through teens, but older girls/ladies went with their fathers. it hurt my heart so much cause all i could think is how i'd never have it. the "daddy issues" also seem to bleed into my relationship with Christ... and it's too late at night to get into that.

but as much as the father aspect messes up my mind... i am ridiculously grateful and completely crazy about my grandparents, especially my papa. he is such a light in my life... they both are. i'm just such a grandpa's girl. my best friend lost one of her grandfathers saturday and the funeral was today. i can't imagine the hurt she's feeling. i don't want to. but the way her week has gone has made me that much more grateful for my grandparents and the huge role they play/ have played in my life...

like i told someone the other day...
blog entries after about 10 or 11 at night... dangerous. weird things come out.

peace